Porn Ruined My First Time And It'll Ruin Yours Next

 How Porn Affected Me Losing My Virginity

    During my mid and late teenage years in high school, I was absolutely addicted to porn. I watched it on a nearly daily basis after a solid 6-hour session of playing video games. My go-to place was Tumblr because I loved being able to quickly scroll through many posts thereby maximizing the number of various women I saw at any given moment. I had no shame about it either. I would openly discuss all the types of porn I watched within my group and, occasionally, with random peers in class. In my head, I thought that it was amazing, the feeling of ejaculating on a near daily basis to 100s of hot women (read as porn stars and hentai) filled the void of whatever real problems I was having. It got to the point where I was memorizing artists of hentai and porn star names and their collaborators - I made a mental bank of the sort of porn I liked.

  

    Miraculously, I was able to get a girlfriend in real life after a few online "relationships" with a really smart girl in my class. I had liked her for about a year but was too busy dating someone online to ever really try. Sure, I appreciated her kindness and intelligence, but the main thought in my head was always lust - she was one of the few Asian girls in my class (just like myself being one of the few Filipinos) and I remember distinctly describing her as "exotic" once we had begun talking. Maybe she hadn't heard that one before, but after being described that way and hearing how girls feel about that description, well, I'm surprised she didn't just outright run away. 

    We started dating and about 3 months later she left to go to a better school that she had been really wanting to get into. We stayed together, mostly just talking through calls or messages since I didn't have a car until eventually, my family took a trip to go visit her. At this point, we had been getting very sexual with each other and we both knew that we were going to try and fuck since we were both horny teenagers. We planned out good spots, since visitors of the opposite sex were not allowed into the dorms, and decided a decent patch of grass by a railroad track was a good location to try. Queue a couple of romantic dates around the city and one night we felt we were ready to finally do it. 

    It's mid-winter, cold as hell, pitch black, and she and I scamper off next to this railroad track with some trees next to it. I brought a large towel for us to lay on and we lay underneath a tree, with these large cumbersome jackets and the mist of our breath coming out. It's the complete opposite of an ideal first time, but we didn't care. Our hearts were beating and we were excited. Except there was one problem. My dick wasn't getting hard. 

    So here I am, in private with this girl that I think is absolutely stunning, a girl I had been dreaming about having sex with for probably years, finally at the moment to do it, and I can't get hard. She's literally right there and all I have to do is stick it in. I'm freaking out and anxious so I start trying to buy time by using my hands and dirty talking her. Eventually, I get the bright idea to pull out my phone, open up some hentai I had downloaded, and I'm finally able to muster up a semi-erect dick to finally stick it inside and we can enjoy ourselves. At the age of 16, I had to look at hentai to even get hard enough fuck my high school dream girl. 

    Obviously, I was broken after this. We ended up breaking up about 3-4 months later because I was too insecure about the long distance and started acting out, but the pain of having erectile dysfunction never left my mind and I began looking at why it had happened to me. For some reason, it didn't click in my head that it was porn, so I kept watching it, spiraling downward as my tolerance for satisfaction kept growing. Over the course of a year I had gone from masturbating 1-2 times a day for about 20 minutes to hentai and hardcore, but otherwise vanilla, porn to looking up porn games, playing cockhero/faphero (essentially a rhythm game, but for porn - you stroke to the beat. I do hope you do not know what this is) and edging for about 1-2 hours on the regular. I was so degenerate that one of my proudest moments was when I was able to edge for 4 hours straight and shoot cum into my hair.

    The degeneracy doesn't end there. I soon discovered the wonders of Skyrim modding. This was probably the zenith of my porn addiction as I spent days, weeks even, downloading mod after mod just so I can see these weird Skyrim characters get raped or fucked by just about every enemy there was on the game. I'd visualize my life with these characters even though was literally nothing real about them. 

    I'm not entirely sure what happened, but one 5:00 AM morning after staying up all night masturbating both physically and mentally to the idea of my characters, I came to my senses and saw how sad I was naked in my dark, dirty and uncleaned room, with my disgusting cum rag sitting right next to me. 

    Before I continue, as you can guess from all of this, I didn't have much of a social life at this point. I had a group of childhood friends but I didn't really talk to them much at this time since I was so engrossed with porn. 

    To continue, I can't remember exactly how I found it, but I discovered nofap and, more importantly, an explanation for why I had erectile dysfunction the first time I ever had sex as a young, teenage man: the overuse of porn. It all clicked in my head and I started nofap and vowed to stop playing video games too (I think the forums I read at the time made a point about this, probably some sort of monk mode challenge).  I made progress, but progress for me was literally not jacking off 3-5 times a day. I had gotten it down to about once a day after a month. My true proudest moment after all of this was a little over 90 days on nofap about 6 months after discovering it. For the first time since middle school, I wasn't an absolute fucking degenerate and was able to finally look people in the eyes with a clean conscience. 

    The only real "superpower" that I had was the feeling that I was on cocaine just about 24/7 - whether that was because of only cutting out porn or essentially doing a dopamine detox by only reading or talking to people was beyond me. But it felt like everything I did came with ease, and I just felt inherently "better" at everything. I felt I had earned the right to play video games which introduces us to an extraordinarily stupid example of how I felt "better": in Fortnite normally I'd end a game with 9-12 kills and that was considered pretty good for me. But when I had this feeling of cocaine, I was averaging 20-25 kills, pretty much doubling what I was doing before. It's such a stupid example of how I felt, but without a doubt, I could tell that my energy and focus were off the charts - I finally felt like a human being.

    But with this feeling of cocaine came extreme lust. Simply seeing a pretty girl's face sent me into a fiending state. I had gone so long without seeing porn that I was hypersensitive to anything even resembling a female - for fucks sake I remember seeing a shiny, red apple and it reminded me of a girl blushing which sent me down the horny rabbit hole. That and since I had forsaken my vow to play video games, I had access to games like league of legends which has an ample amount of pretty, scantily dressed drawings of girls. These drove me wild until I relapsed a few days after allowing myself to play video games. 

    I've never had that feeling of cocaine ever again since I had never gone another 90s since that moment (about 4 years ago). The closest I had ever gotten to feeling it again was going 2 weeks, but I had gotten complacent with life. I had another girlfriend and I didn't have erectile dysfunction. Life seemed normal for me so I thought "so what if I don't feel like I'm on cocaine 24/7, I can finally talk to people and actually have sex with my girlfriend now". 

    I have kept this mentality up until, well, since I decided to start this website and youtube channel. I don't know why I grew so complacent when I knew exactly how alive I felt in that week after I got around 90 days. Now that I'm demanding more out of myself, I'm striving for that feeling again except not as a challenge, but as a lifestyle. I wish to simply abstain from high dopamine-triggering activities, especially porn. Porn has done far too much damage up to this point for me to continue tolerating it in my life even if I "only" use it for 10 minutes every few days. It needs to be eradicated. And I challenge you to also eradicate it from your life. I hope the shame of this story allows you to see your own life with more clarity.

    Even if it takes you months or years to get to the point of not being able to think about it. You'll probably mess up many times, but you never fail until you give up. Then the porn wins and you're a coomer for life.  I really do wish you luck because no one should have to deal with the embarrassment and mental hazing I did to myself as I drowned myself in porn. 

    If you liked this blog post, check out the video version at: https://youtu.be/4OGsvzqnbXk.